The Eternal Quest

It always happens. Every year, without fail. As December comes to an end, hope wells up in my heart—that things will certainly be better than the year that's taking leave of us. Now, don't get me wrong. It isn't as if the year that was had been unkind to me. Every year brings with it its fair share of joys and sorrows, ecstatic moments and disappointments. Some days bring with them inclement weather. Others are sunny and warm. That's what life is all about. Knowing this does not mitigate the desire in me that things will be absolutely perfect the next year. That I will wake up at the appointed hour as soon as the alarm goes off. I will not hit the snooze button, tell myself that I need just five more minutes of shuteye, and then jump out if bed like I've been electrocuted, after a good hour, cursing myself for over-sleeping. I believe that the New Year will energise me so much that I will not miss a day's walk or exercise and do the Sudarshan Kriya http://www.sudarshankriya.net/ before I start my daily chores. I know from experience that when I manage these things, I walk out of the house with a radiant smile and there's a bounce to my step. But then, years have gone by and, every year, some days have thrown my life out of kilter. There have been bolts from the blue that have flummoxed me and I have had to accept them and deal with matters that needed urgent attention—much more than the extra flab around my middle that haunts my mind. Last year, I intended to post on my blog every single day. But, a wedding, a loved one's surgery that needed post-operative care and the arrival of a little baby in the family, who loves to stay awake at nights, kept me away from it. I experience withdrawal when I don't find the time and space to read and write. There are moments, when I want to drop everything and flee to the other end of the world with my books and my laptop or just some writing pads and pencils to be alone with myself and my thoughts. Mind you, I fantasise often about leaving no forwarding address, and living all alone on a small piece of land, which has miraculously materialised, tilling it, growing my own vegetables and being in communion with nature. But, that is a momentary escape and the fantasy, a temporary refuge. The reality is that despite feeling trapped, beleaguered and overwhelmed by life's vicissitudes, I can't imagine wrenching myself from those I love. Given a choice, I would slave some more. Willingly. Drudgery is in my DNA. It is difficult to shake off. So is hope. It's what makes my tomorrows seem so promising. There are several other things that I fancy will be different. My hair will be glossier, my eyeliner will never run, wrinkles will stay away, I shall eat only healthy (organic, never mind if it kills my budget) food, drink the eternally prescribed eight glasses of water, take enviable charge of my finances, stop using the credit card, not indulge in impulse buying, not look at the wonderful designer top that's available for a fifty per cent discount, not buy a new book till I have read the 100 lying on my bedside table, be friendlier towards my neighbours, look them up now and then, call up my mom-in-law regularly, take the stairs always, resume writing my dust-wrapped novel and the like... Some of these I do manage to do every year, if not diligently, fairly regularly at least. But there are others which I struggle to accomplish, often giving up. Nothing's ever been perfect. I have concluded that perfection is a myth, excellence is a goal that one can achieve. It does not follow that I have given up hope that this time round that things will brighter, more wonderful, simply fabulous. In fact, it's the hope that keeps me going. It made me post on my blog today and will egg me on to do so tomorrow. It is this very hope that rears its head when I've had a challenging day or a period of creative drought and tells me that I can take a step forward, that everything will be okay. So, I live with this Utopian quest. It co-exists with my reality checks. My feet stay firmly on the ground. And, I look forward to 2012 with a song in my heart..Que sera sera...

What do I read now?

I know I am a book addict. I just need to look around my room and know that I need rehab. Urgently. On my bedside is a huge pile of books that I've bought and not read. Yet. I have every intention of reading each one of  them, but by the time I lay my hands on one, something incredibly interesting comes up and I empty the contents of my purse to buy it. If you've been introduced to Flipkart, you'll know how easy it is to get a book home. Those guys are so professional that one day, I suspect they'll deliver a title to my doorstep before it is even published. Click, buy, read. That easy. Only, I miss my trips to Crossword, Landmark, Strand, Oxford, Giri Stores and the King's Circle footpaths, where I hunt for books like one possessed. I forgot to mention the books I receive for review (am grateful to the generous publishers), not all of which I want to read but some of which I just can't put down. So, there are the books I want to read, the books I have to because it's part of my job, the books I like to study as I read because I'm struggling to write a novel of a similar genre and books I must read as part of the research for my novel.

Whew! Can anyone blame me for being flummoxed. My crime is I want to read them all. At once. I do have the habit of reading fiction, non-fiction, poetry and some highfalutin spiritual stuff at the same time. Then, one of the books has me hooked and I keep aside the other three for some time, though I miss them dearly. Right now, I have Julian Barne's Sense of an Ending, sitting pretty with Joan Didion's Blue Nights lying next to Murakami's 1Q24 holding hands with Ann Patchett's State of Wonder that hides Steve Jobs' biography that has shoved Elizabeth Mayer's Extraordinary Knowing to a corner. I'm not going to begin mentioning the other books that are waiting to be cuddled. They'll have their turn.  Ann Patchett now crouches in my bag. I can see her raising her arms, reminding me to pick her up. I tossed a coin in her favour. For now, I'm sorted. Tomorrow is another day.

Distressed! Can't find my blog!

I guess this happens when you have been inactive for a very long time. I was hoping I would be excused for not showing up, for not posting on this blog for so long. Just yesterday, I had made up my mind that, come what may, I would post something every day. When I tried to sign in today, Blogger feigned amnesia. It just did not remember me!! Can you imagine that? I was rejected. Now, that is lethal. The very stony response had me in a tailspin. Had my blog been given the boot? Had I lost all my posts? I was frantic. 'Help' did not help. It left me searching, wondering and confused. Then, after some intense, hopeful, prayerful searching, I found some link.  Don't even think of asking me what. I am challenged in these viral matters. This affliction lives amicably with my other one—directional dyslexia. Together they ensure that I am a bumbling mess. But I wanted my blog back. Like a kid wants its candy. I wanted it NOW. I was going on this wild goose chase to write a few lines that very few may read. Not because I write balderdash or something that helps you catch your 40 winks but because I write about myself. Now, I am not exactly Aishwarya or Lady Gaga Or Rakhi Sawant or Mayawati. I'm not sure I want to be. When I gave birth to my two children, I didn't have the world pushing down with me and keeping track of my contractions. I would never wear an outfit that had five udders attached to it in a state of inviting perkiness. The only drama I create is at home, when someone misplaces my books and that lasts for hardly a minute. Okay, truth be told. There are other occasions too when there is a deafening blast and an instant cool-down. A storm before the lull. Also, I don't thank Jejus all the time. In fact, every night, I look up at the sky and say, "If you are really up there, I'm sorry, I haven't thought of you even once. I just haven't had the mind-space. So, don't bludgeon me. Believe me, I am grateful. It's just that I haven't found the time to tell you that. No offence meant." I mean, with all the s**t one gets the whole day, it's only sensible to have the Big Boss up there on my side. In fact, I thought He (reverentially using the upper case for Him) had made my blog disappear for not acknowledging Him. Hence the appeasement. Also, I don't think I'll ever have my statue built.   The only time I turned into stone was when I played 'Statue' as a kid. That required some mean breath control and oodles of patience. Coming back to the point...I do none of what the aforementioned illustrious ladies do. But, they don't write either. I do. If that's some saving grace. I'm not going to lie or pretend that I don't care if no one reads my blog. I do. But, I haven't gone viral with it. Blame it on my bashfulness. Or on the fact that I haven't created a Kolaveri Di. Yet. I will rise above the gobbledygook. One day...

PS. Why are these purple flowers here? Not just because I like their brilliant colour but because I don't have a great collection of pictures. I did say I'm starting all over again. Anew. Now, if that isn't a confession, what is? 

Restless in Mumbai

It's strange really. When friends call and ask me where I've been, I tell them how hectic my life is now and how I haven't had a moment's rest. I tell them how I've been rushing in and out of my house, to and from work, up and down several hundreds of stairs in malls and shops and buildings, and am ready to die, because I'm just so exhausted. The very thought of having an endless nap is so rejuvenating; yet even on the very few occasions that I have actually had a chance to, I haven't grabbed the opportunity or hit the sack and been dead to the world.
I don't know how and when I lost the ability to relax. When my kids invite me to watch a sitcom on television or a gripping movie, I start getting antsy after five minutes. I keep telling myself that I'm wasting my time. Then, I either pick up a book to read and raise my eyes now and then to catch up on the action on the screen or make lists or cut vegetables or just get up and complete some chores. The wise advise us not to have a clock in our heads. But, the one in my mind seems to tick loudly reminding me every moment of how little of it I have.
Of course, I'd like my life to be less crowded and more evenly paced. I'd like to run my fingers gently over the leaves of the seven-odd plants that live in my house and which I water every morning. I'd like to communicate with them and let them know that I care, because I do. I do want to say more than a breezy 'hi' to my neighbour and play hopscotch with the kids in my building once in a while. I'd give anything to cook leisurely meals, have long chats with my loved ones, read a book at one go, write a short story without being interrupted, learn the lyrics of a song that has touched my soul and spend some quiet moments in contemplation or just cut up some colourful paper and make a bookmark. This is really the life I want.
But, the life I  have now is anything but restful. It runs amok, packing in more than I know I should deal with, on feet that are hardly ever put up. No, I don't fancy myself as a many-limbed multi-tasking mean machine that doesn't balk at anything. In fact, I am overwhelmed from time to time, almost every single day.
What, then, has made me such a workaholic, such a domestic drudge, such a frenzied-doer that if I get a moment's respite, I think that I'm cheating time and life? That I don't deserve a breather. That I sin when I sit or stand and stare?
Am I a chore-addict, an action-geek, a slave to expectations? If I'm the last, I wonder whose expectations I'm trying to meet. My own, my family's, my boss's? It's hard to believe that anybody would want me to gasp and pant through the day  and expend all my energy.
Methinks it's my wicked mind and the way I've conditioned it. Just last night, as Diwali ended on a note of energy bankruptcy, and I tossed and turned in bed trying to fall asleep after a frazzling week, I realised how I was a slave to my own mind and how it was relaying these messages programmed into it by me myself. Some moments of observation were enough to tell me what I had to do.
Taming the mind is a very difficult art. Mind chatter can be unnerving. It can be debilitating. It can chart a peaceful course of life for you and send you hurtling into workspace in a frenzy. That is where I was—on the move but going nowhere.
Well, the deafening noise of crackers has died down. I hope the kids in the neighbourhood don't burst ear-splitting bombs today. Most of all, I hope my mind stops urging me to run the marathon day and night.
I have some weapons ready now. Almost an hour of peaceful time. I know what to do. The Sudarshan Kriya followed by the Sahaj Samadhi. Some maun. Some quiet time spent in contemplation. In silence. In solitude.
I've experienced its magic.
But, to do that I must not allow the devilish sense of accomplishment I feel after I've cleaned and swept and swabbed the house 20 times over keep me away from it. That I managed 20 minutes of blogging time after so long might just be an indication that I'm finally beginning to understand my mind-games. Today, I think I will read Sunitabai by Mangala Godbole. It's a very restful thought. And yes, I will do the kriya. Tomorrow is another day.    

The warrior in me

Yesterday, I received an email from my society about cutting down the tamarind tree in my compound. I've written about the tree in my earlier posts. I was shocked, distressed, touched to the quick. It was as if someone was telling me that they would be cutting off my arms. I was so pained and fearful that I would lose my morning mate, the lush green that greets my eyes, when they are still longing to sleep, the birds tweeting and the squirrels scurrying about, that I felt the warrior in me rise. Exactly like the tigress who goes to any lengths to protect her cubs.
I was in a high-octane emotional state—furious, afraid, helpless and worried. I dashed off an angry letter to the members of the society, words spilling out like lava. I didn't realise then that they would hurt them, as much as their decision to cut the tree devastated me. Then, I worried some more that instead of stopping them in my tracks, my words would probably get them to react adversely. So anxious was I about my green friend meeting such a cruel fate, that I dashed off yet another letter, this time informing them that I would do everything in my power to protect it. I had decided to approach the authorities and some environmentalists in case I needed to.
Yes, I received a reply in which I was categorically told that I had used very harsh language. Generally, I am a very peace-loving person, not given to hurting people's sentiments. I apologised. This was not the time for confrontation. It was a time to befriend people, to build bridges, to do everything to garner peace and get off the collision course. Anything to save the tamarind tree.
I had sent a silent reassurance to the tamarind tree in the morning and promised it that I wouldn't let anyone harm it. I was quite surprised to find that I loved the tree, as much as I love my human friends and relatives. I also found out how much. I had not realised the huge impact it had had on my life till the moment I thought that I would lose my wonderful companion. It is possible, I realised, to nurture intense affection for silent creatures of another kind, who live with us, witnessing and perhaps, even documenting, our checkered lives.
For now, my friend lives. When I return home in the evening, I plan to stop by and pat its trunk. To tell it to be by my side forever. To express my gratitude. I think it will understand. I owe it. It's the one bright green spot in my life every morning.

My Closet

Don’t peep into my closet

I hide my soul there…

Some tears too, in a salt shaker

To be sprinkled as and when required

To add flavour to my insipid life.

My ego too, smoothened of its creases,

Lies neatly folded on a bottom shelf;

It will raise its head any moment, without warning.

My hurts are suspended over hangers

In a mock show of surrender;

They will have to be aired in the right season.

My sins, tied up in pure white muslin,

Are stashed away inside a tiny safe;

They knock on the door now and then.

Threatening to escape in broad daylight.

My shame is wrapped in old newspaper.

It’s been about town, a known face.

It rests in a corner, enjoying its anonymity.

Bits of my flesh cauterised by time

Are huddled close together in an airtight box

Lively accessories, waiting to be flaunted.

There’s more of me set aside in a pile

Disowned, neglected, feared, avoided…

Discarded, unwanted, forgotten, abandoned

Vying for my attention in the black hole

I’ll have to clean up my closet soon,

Evaluate each item, manage the mess,

But don’t turn the key yet,

Or open a crack to let the sunlight in.

For you don’t know what’ll enter the darkness

Or flee unnoticed, with a piece of my dignity.

- Archana Pai Kulkarni

Calm in a tea cup

Every morning, when the prospect of just lazing in bed feels inviting and there's just no way in which I can afford the luxury, I remind myself of the hot cup of ginger tea that awaits me. It's a ritual that not just energises me to take on the day, it gives me those precious few minutes to find my bearings and be with myself in silence. Actually, my morning beverage is a no-fuss affair. No chinaware and no tea pots for me. All I need are a steel glass and a steel plate and I'm good to sip.
I grew up in Matunga, surrounded by Tam Brahms. Coffee, to them, was like manna from heaven. It was their daily tipple. Our houses were extensions of each other and we could actually look into each other's kitchens without feeling like voyeurs or intruders. Every morning you could smell the fresh, invigorating aroma of filter coffee wafting through the neighbourhood windows and spot the next-door mama or mami standing in the large balcony with a steel glassful of coffee in one hand and a tiny steel vessel in the other. Then, they would begin to pour the coffee from the glass to the vessel, raising the right hand to a certain height while holding the vessel way below. The coffee would gush out in a firm, steady, stream, and fill the vessel. Then, the vessel would go up and the coffee would be poured back into the glass. Up and down it would be poured, from the vessel into the glass and back into the vessel and again into the glass several times, till it would froth. Only then would it be sipped with great relish.

Now, I'm not a coffee drinker at all. Tea's my poison, especially, if brewed with ginger and tulsi. I have very native tastes. And though I imbibed the habit of drinking my first quota of tea in a steel glass from my neighbours, I replaced the steel vessel with a plate. And, I don't perform the frothing ritual at all. I like my tea piping hot. I pour it from the glass into the plate and as I look out of my window at the lush tamarind tree  and take the first sip, the steam from the glass invades my nostrils. It generates a nice, warm, reassuring feeling on a cool, still morning. Squirrels scurry about on its branches, nibbling at something or the other. The Bharadwaj calls out, hidden among its leaves, its shiny bronze wings, suddenly flashing through them, like a ray of light. Other little migrant birds fly down and and perch on its arms and tweet incessantly, creating a sweet melody. The virginal blue sky looks down at us indulgently. A cuckoo coos, somewhere in the distance. Its mate replies and their jugalbandi shatters the silence of the dawn. 

As I sip my tea in silence, and listen to the bird orchestra, I have gathered enough vitality for the day. My mind is focused on the tea, my tongue is alive and receptive to its taste and my body senses an adrenaline rush. It's a meditative moment. Silent, peaceful, blissful and rejuvenating.
I guess, when one seeks solitude, one doesn't have to travel too far. One can find it hidden in the swirling recesses of a humble glass of tea.

My Grandma, The Time Traveller

Jani, my granny

My maternal grandmother Jani will turn 99 on August 5. While she is unable to walk, she’s full of spirit and vitality. Her mind keeps vacillating between the past and present. Now she’s here with you and the next moment, she’s at her childhood home in Ullal. Now she recognises you and asks after you and in a second, she stares at you blankly. Playful and lively in her winter years, my grandmother’s an enigma today.

Inside my grandmother, an ocean roars

Outside, surf settles on her skin, like gooseflesh.

Through the hidden alleys of her wizened veins,

Her bygone childhood runs amok, carefree.

Around her bed, the air regresses and laughs heartily;

Inside, memory reefs stand testimony to her turbulence.

Outside, coral beads weave a story around her neck;

Inside, her heart beats playfully in her backyard;

Outside, she forgets the rules of the game.

Inside, she’s at the market, buying a pair of red bangles;

Outside, she examines her bare hands wistfully

Inside, she’s five, pig-tailed, a merry fish,

Gliding back in time to sit on her father’s lap.

Outside, her lips part, a cry escapes, “Anna”,

And she scans every face for his kind, loving eyes.

Inside her, words well up, wave after wave;

Outside, her parched lips whoosh soundlessly.

Tides turn, storms rage, and she’s placid again, inside;

Outside, the tributaries on her face chalk new maps.

Inside, she rows her boat through lands forgotten;

Outside her hands grope for sand from umbilical shores.

Inside, she spots her husband hiding in an oyster;

Outside, she goes all coy, a child-bride again.

Inside, she gathers the priceless pearls of her tears;

Outside, she gifts away the treasures of her life in a will.

Inside she’s a dolphin, dancing with her little friends;

Outside, the music has stopped, her soles have cracks.

Inside, messengers bring her sad tidings from a dead daughter;

Outside, her ears long for the postman’s knock, news from beyond.

As she travels back and forth, inside and outside herself,

Timelines merge, she’s tossed about, and she swims aimlessly,

Till inside, a mermaid sings a soulful lullaby;

As the ocean calms down, outside, her eyes grow heavy,

And as she grows older, my grandma is a baby again.

Knowing grief

Dadu at his favourite spot in Indian Gymkhana

My uncle, Prabhakar Kamath, passed away on June 4. His death was not unexpected; in fact, it was very much staring him in the face for months now. Having lost my father to a rheumatic heart when I was just two months, I was brought up by him and nurtured with love, discipline, and a warm sense of security. I never lacked anything--not love, not the regular little things that are necessary to live and the special ones that make living life worthwhile. He spoke little. Very little, in fact. People in my house were careful around him. No, he wasn't an ogre but he liked his space. He spoke in monosyllables and from a very early age, I learned to read his approval or disapproval from the tone of those grunts. He introduced me to books very early in life. You could find a Chaucer nestling really close to a Shakespeare or Pickwick Papers or The Autobiography of a Yogi on our bookshelves. He read voraciously, when he wasn't at work at the Bank of India where he worked in a managerial capacity, or when he wasn't playing cricket. Yes, he was a Ranji Player, an opening batsman and all-rounder and went on to become the first Indian cricket coach to  pass formally out of a coaching college, the first one to be invited outside India for coaching (he coached Sri Lanka) and perhaps the only one to not earn a single penny out of the game. He was an honorary coach. Acknowledged by the cricket fraternity for grooming Wadekar, for contributing to Gavaskar's skills, he was also the coach of the Ranji cricket team, when Vengsarkar captained it and Sachin made his debut.
You could find us both eating our meals with either a book or a newspaper in our left hands, a habit I was told by many, was obnoxious, but which added spice to my meals. I still read when I have my lunch at work. It's a very special time for me. Disciplined to a fault about his exercise regimen, in the last few months, he was confined to his bed, having given up on life. The man who walked from Matunga to Kurla every day for years could not move at all. It was as devastating for him to accept his immobility as it was for me to watch him waste away. He stopped reading the newspaper, recognised me now and then, and sometimes his face broke into a smile when I visited him. His eyes would often fill up; I'm not sure it was because of the pain in his legs (he'd developed athlete's veins); I think it was the pain of being dependent and incontinent. It was because of the loss of freedom, the inability to call the shots, the incapacitation, the fear of turning into a vegetable. Diabetes, a surgery to repair a fractured pelvic bone, and a pacemaker--his body accepted it all, at first with reluctance, then resignation and then with indignation.  Somewhere along the way, I guess he decided that he wanted no more of this life.
I knew he would go; I knew he was in pain, yet I didn't want him to die. I wanted him to recover. When he breathed his last, I was away, at my own home. I rushed to his house, hugged him and wept but there was just no response. He was very very still and his face was surprisingly calm and serene, Buddhalike, as if he was glad to be rid of his pain. If that was so, I'm happy for him. But, what do I do about the pain in my heart? I feel orphaned. Without warning my eyes mist over and I long to see him once again. It feels like yesterday that he took me for a pony ride to Five Gardens and bought me a packet of peanuts or a large slab of chocolate. I won't be helping him scrape and grease his bats and put them against the wall to dry any more or watch him make an egg omelette for himself or share a piece of cheese with him. He held my hand and taught me to walk, he encouraged me to write as I sat by him when he wrote his sports column under the byline Hooker for Free Press Journal. He displayed my prizes and trophies in the living room very proudly. It made me want to top the class always. Today, if I try to be regular with my morning walks, it's because I've seen him do it religiously for years and know how important fitness is. If I write, it's because I've imbibed the pleasure of doing so early in my life from him. If I'm disciplined,he takes all the credit for it. Cricketers called him Joe. I called him Dadu. I was Archu to him. He's gone. I remain. And the memories too, beautiful and permanent to be relived. Don't mind my tears. They will flow, like my love for him. Rest in peace Dadu. Farewell!

Where I sit every morning

 

This green wooden bench is my oasis. After walking briskly for a good 50 minutes, this is the lap I seek. The lush green grass soothes my eyes. The bench gives me all the solitude I need. I sit there quietly for just about 10 minutes and feel refreshed and rejuvenated. It's here that I count my blessings, say my prayers and express my gratitude. It's my peace zone.